This
year I blinked, and it was over. My beautiful children have transformed
before my eyes. I remember some laughter, a few tears, and a whole lot of
hard work. This was the year I finished grad school, worked full time,
and raised my children. I was able to help a few people along the way,
and I tried to pray. However, I wasn't a superhero at any of it. My
children probably heard more "bad words" come out of my mouth then
they heard on TV. By 8:30 at night I would sometimes crawl in to bed just
to have a little quiet. This is the year Enrique started going back to school,
worked full time and would sit at our dining room table after the kids went to
bed staring at textbooks until the wee hours of the night. This is the
year that coffee became necessary for survival. All that to say,
throughout this year, there have been those moments where the Holy Spirit would
stop me and remind me why. The "why" never had to do with
"me". In fact, "me" seemed lost. My spiritual
identity was quiet. My social media reputation wasn't being
built because I simply had nothing to really say, or I was too tired to say it
in a comprehensible way. But in those moments, I felt a whisper remind
me, that it's not about “me” anyway. Could it be that sometimes, in a
culture that insists we find ourselves, God leads his servants to do the very
opposite? Could it be in a world where even His church is inundated with
messages that we must be "powerful and persuasive" to be effective
for the kingdom, God wants us to love in a way that doesn't even get recognized
or noticed? Could it be that in a world where beauty is defined by how
many likes for "a perfect imagine on social media" after many deleted
ones, a few filters, and maybe a little editing, that what God sees as
beautiful is completely different? We live in a world that bombards and assaults
us in every way that we must attain an identity where we are either the most successful,
intelligent, spiritual, beautiful, creative, talented, loving, athletic, or
something else. We also live in a world where people feel in adequate,
depressed, and rejected because they don't measure up. Could it be this
year while I was busy trying to complete school, raise children, and still be a
halfway decent human being because I believed God was leading me to sacrifice
some of my dreams for my family, that he was forming my identity to look a
little more like him? I believe in sacrifice, suffering, and hard work
motivated by love, I have begun to learn more about his character. If you
are amid dirty diapers, late nights, tears of loss, and feel like you have nothing
that would impress the world, that may be the very moment that God wants you to
find your worth in him. His love gives
us a purpose that allows us to daily forget about ourselves, which is a miracle!
Love that is pure and powerful is
a love that will give without announcing it to anyone. Love that is real
is one that stays when everyone else leaves. Love that matters is
way more than the "heart" button on social media. This
year I lost myself. I forgot a little more bit about my identity, my
reputation, and even my feelings. I had to do things I didn't always
enjoy, and I had to grow up. However, as I reflect on losing myself, I
liked it. I hope to lose myself a little more in 2018.
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others
more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own
interests, but also to the interests of others
