It's the Small Things

              When Jesus asks a question, he isn't looking for an answer.  He is looking for a response.  What's the difference?  The difference is he already knows the answer, and a response is actually for the awareness of the one giving the answer.  It's almost as though Jesus is holding a mirror to our hearts and showing us the vulnerable details.  We read about this when Jesus was arrested in the garden, "Jesus, knowing all that was going to happen to him, went out and asked them, "Who is it you want?". We read about this when Jesus ministered to the Pharisees, throughout the gospels, like in Matthew 9:4, knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, "Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?".  We read again about this in Acts when Jesus confronted Paul with a question that changed his life in Acts 26; 14 "We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, 'Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads." 

            Recently I have been reflecting on another example of Jesus asking one of his beloved children a question. It is when Jesus met Peter on the shore after his resurrection in John 21. I can't help but think of myself like Peter.  It's probably funny to some of my friends and family because in some ways I'm not like Peter at all.  Maybe we all are a little like Peter.  Peter was passionate and excited about what Jesus was doing.  He was super-pumped about being one of the closest members of Jesus's insiders, and he had plans.  He was often the first to talk, the first act, and the first to jump head first.  Peter was gifted naturally and spiritually.  The gospels tell us he recognized Jesus as the Messiah by a God-given revelation.   He was willing to die to see Jesus fit into his plans.  But like many of us, Peter's plans didn't include the full plan of God.  It included some of the details, but it lacked God's heart of sacrificial love. So on the darkest day in history we find Peter unable to endure.  His own heart betrayed him.   Although he had a love for Jesus, his love for God was based on who God was for him, not who he was for God.  I believe in those dark hours of Peter's betrayal, God began to change Peter's heart.  Not only did he realize his dreams were unfulfilled, but he realized he was losing his best friend.  I believe in those hours of grief God began to prioritize Peter's life.  He found himself thinking of Jesus's voice more then Jesus's Roman take over.  Peter found himself missing the friend and the comforter more than the one who would fulfill his noble plans.  

When Jesus met Peter on the shore after his denial, Jesus didn't answer the many questions Peter had wrestled with in those dark hours.  He didn't mention the failed plans or explain to Peter his much greater agenda.  He simply asked Peter a question.  He asked Peter the same question three times, " Peter do you love me?"  I don't think Jesus was looking for an answer. He already knew the answer.  He knew that in his failure Peter was a changed man.  He knew Peter now understood the difference between self and love for God.  Jesus knew that Peter truly loved him now, so this moment became Peter's greatest commission, "Feed my sheep".  Peter was to now live a life of sacrificial love in the footsteps of his savior.  

It's this question and this commission that has been knocking on my heart so sweetly this week.  In the many moments of uncertainty and vulnerability after my last post, I find myself hearing Jesus remind me of the power in simple devotion and pure love for God.  It's not the number of Facebook followers, speaking events, powerful meetings I have been  a part of, or even wonderful compliments that people may give that matter to God. It's the simple act of loving him and sharing his love with others.  It's the small moments and small things that make all the difference in the life of a disciple of Jesus.  Jesus cares about the small things.  The overlooked person in a crowd, the kind word, the simple act of forgiveness no one may ever see, the silent prayer in the midst of heart ache, and the hug for the hurting matter so much to Jesus.  When I kiss my kids goodnight, praise God for the sunset, or get my husband a drink of water, it matters to God.  It matters to God when you admit a wrong, or when you say thank you at night.  Asking Jesus simply to teach you more about him and his heart for the hurting matters to God.  The amazing thing about Peter is that the biggest failure in his life turned into his greatest triumph.  He realized his love for Jesus was stronger that his love for anything else, including himself. 

My Response to my Husband’s Conversion to Catholicism

My Response to my Husband’s Conversion to Catholicism

I had to research the term religious conversion to make sure I had it correct.  Wikipedia quotes the following: “religious conversion' would describe the abandoning of adherence to one denomination and affiliating with another. This might be from one to another denomination within the same religion”.  For those of you who don’t know my husband, Enrique, has decided to become Catholic.  This decision has been a year in the making, and his confirmation was this Easter Saturday. 

I anticipate three reactions from those interested enough to read my blog; disbelief, curiosity, or concern.  You may be feeling a little bit of all three of them.  Still, there may be some who just don’t see the significance in even writing about it.  If you fall in the last category, you probably don’t know Enrique and me very well.  Our whole marriage has been based on serving Jesus together, prayer, and ministry to others.  In fact we have built our marriage around dreams of ministry and love for God.   This last three years have been extremely difficult for me.  Losing my father, and coping with the decisions that needed to be made for my hearing impaired daughter have definitely challenged my faith.  But this last year has been one of the most difficult things I could have imagined.  I never would have dreamed that my partner in Christ would change his thinking in such a dramatic way.   To add to the pain, the timing of his conversion has collided with the timing of my calling to ministry. 

As many of you know, if you have listened much to my teaching, I believed God called me to full time ministry two years ago.  I experienced his confirmation of this calling, and I embraced it with my whole being.   Enrique’s conversion has challenged everything I thought I knew.  It would be a lie and a poor witness to paint a picture to you that I have welcomed this change.  I have cried, grieved, fought, cussed, and a few times even given up hope.  Enrique and I have talked in circles weekend after weekend on why he has decided to do this.  I have questioned him on every detail from praying to Mary, communion, confession, Papal infallibility, to Purgatory.  I have come to realize we believe differently in regards to these issues, and it is a sin to continue to fight over them. These things are not deal breakers though.  They are different, and it would be naïve to say they are not significant differences.  Yet, God desires peace and love in my family more then he desires me to feel in complete agreement with my husband.  Selfishly, I have LOVED having my closest friend and partner seeing spiritual things the same as I do.  But even this precious blessing, does not compare with walking right before God.   

Enrique has studied these topics in depth, and he is much more qualified to answer your questions of “why” then I am.  One book lead to another, along with prayer, discussions with our pastor, discussions with the local Catholic priest, and he has made up his mind this is what God has called him to do.  He knows the Catholic faith better than many who were born Catholic, and he sees so much beauty and depth in it.   This is a sincere and prayed about decision he made.    That is all I can say in response to why he has become Catholic.  But I do have a lot to say in regard to what God has shown me through this process. 

He has shown me that I am not as strong as I thought I was, but he (God) is stronger than I could have ever known.   He has shown me that even though there are days I still feel led to ministry; my joy and peace come from God alone.  Ministry will never fulfill my heart.  I was wrong about that.  The only thing that will ever truly give me peace is the one thing no one can take away from me, and that is Christ. I was made for him first. 

I believe God allows us to go through difficult times.  I’m not saying the difficulties are from him, but I do believe he allows them.  He knows that when we come through the other side and still love him that is a person that he can use.  Look what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 1:5 for the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. 

I have researched and looked up marriages that have one spouse who is Catholic and one who is Protestant.  I have yet to find any examples where the couple continued to minister in different churches and thrive.  In fact, on the internet most couples find themselves merely coping.  Many times the wife follows her husband, and I can see the beauty in this type of submission.  But I honestly cannot bring myself to research the documents Enrique has researched.  I feel something holding me back.  I have however, in the last two weeks drawn very close to the Lord, and continued to read the scriptures daily.  I have been amazed how his grace has sustained me.   I feel a peace about staying in my church with my church family, and I am blessed my husband also will continue to accompany me.   With great thanksgiving, I have rejoiced at hearing God's voice.   He is teaching me a lot at this time, and I’m excited that if I do get the opportunity to minster that I will not be the same person. 

I do not know what Enrique and I’s future holds in regard to ministry, but I do know what it holds in regards to eternity.   I am learning to honor my husband. My husband loves the Lord, loves me, and loves his family.   I believe with my whole heart we will be worshipping the Lord together forever.    We are still reading the scriptures and praying together, and we are still deeply committed to one another.

I ask for your continued prayers as we embark on a whole new journey of differing beliefs in regard to doctrine.  I ask for your sensitivity in regards to asking me questions of why.  Enrique is the one who would be much better at answering those questions. 

Finally for those of you, who have been led closer to the Lord through something Enrique and I may have done, please know those things were and are  real.  God is deeply committed to you, so much that he would send his only son.  He is not a God of confusion, and even in the midst of the unknown, he is present and alive. 

_With Love in Christ, 

Heidi