The Year I Lost Myself

This year I blinked, and it was over.  My beautiful children have transformed before my eyes.  I remember some laughter, a few tears, and a whole lot of hard work.  This was the year I finished grad school, worked full time, and raised my children.  I was able to help a few people along the way, and I tried to pray.  However, I wasn't a superhero at any of it.  My children probably heard more "bad words" come out of my mouth then they heard on TV.  By 8:30 at night I would sometimes crawl in to bed just to have a little quiet. This is the year Enrique started going back to school, worked full time and would sit at our dining room table after the kids went to bed staring at textbooks until the wee hours of the night.  This is the year that coffee became necessary for survival.  All that to say, throughout this year, there have been those moments where the Holy Spirit would stop me and remind me why.  The "why" never had to do with "me".  In fact, "me" seemed lost.  My spiritual identity was quiet.  My social media reputation wasn't being built because I simply had nothing to really say, or I was too tired to say it in a comprehensible way.  But in those moments, I felt a whisper remind me, that it's not about “me” anyway.  Could it be that sometimes, in a culture that insists we find ourselves, God leads his servants to do the very opposite?  Could it be in a world where even His church is inundated with messages that we must be "powerful and persuasive" to be effective for the kingdom, God wants us to love in a way that doesn't even get recognized or noticed?  Could it be that in a world where beauty is defined by how many likes for "a perfect imagine on social media" after many deleted ones, a few filters, and maybe a little editing, that what God sees as beautiful is completely different?  We live in a world that bombards and assaults us in every way that we must attain an identity where we are either the most successful, intelligent, spiritual, beautiful, creative, talented, loving, athletic, or something else.  We also live in a world where people feel in adequate, depressed, and rejected because they don't measure up.  Could it be this year while I was busy trying to complete school, raise children, and still be a halfway decent human being because I believed God was leading me to sacrifice some of my dreams for my family, that he was forming my identity to look a little more like him?  I believe in sacrifice, suffering, and hard work motivated by love, I have begun to learn more about his character.  If you are amid dirty diapers, late nights, tears of loss, and feel like you have nothing that would impress the world, that may be the very moment that God wants you to find your worth in him.  His love gives us a purpose that allows us to daily forget about ourselves, which is a miracle!    Love that is pure and powerful is a love that will give without announcing it to anyone.  Love that is real is one that stays when everyone else leaves.   Love that matters is way more than the "heart" button on social media.   This year I lost myself.  I forgot a little more bit about my identity, my reputation, and even my feelings.  I had to do things I didn't always enjoy, and I had to grow up.  However, as I reflect on losing myself, I liked it.   I hope to lose myself a little more in 2018.  

Philippians 2:3-4 

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others

The Question of Baptism

So this last year Enrique and I have had lengthy discussions about our children's baptisms. Mattie was baptized before Enrique converted to Catholicism, so the question of her baptism was already settled.  But we still had questions about our other three children and their baptisms. After lots of conversation and prayer, we decided our two older children would remain Protestant like me, due to being surrounded by the Protestant church ministry their entire lives and expressing a desire to stay there. We also decided our two youngest girls would be baptized Catholic and attend catechism due to the fact that Enrique is now a devote Catholic and embraces the Catholic Church in the  deepest places of his heart. I am very aware that this decision raises some eyebrows, and many people wonder how our family can be at peace. I was recently asked how we avoid confusion. It would be dishonest to say it's easy.  It would be dishonest to say that we have handled everything graciously. I have let fear and hurt take over at times in this journey. But pretty early in this journey we realized having our children grow up watching us argue over ideas about God doesn't help them learn the love of God. It actually hurts their faith. So we've simply had to accept we don't agree, but we can still honor each other. In this process I have come to love the Catholic church and it's people. I have also been greatly touched by the Christians who have continued to love us and support us despite seeing things they don't understand. Our children are being taught that Jesus is their savior and that love overcomes everything.  Our children are being taught that even though their parents don't always see eye to eye, they can walk hand in hand. Our family attends both a Mass and an Assembly of God service on Sunday. We gather together at the feet of Jesus and love him despite the differences in tradition. As a family we are building new traditions as we continue to pray together.  So today our sweet Zechariah decided to publicly announce his faith in Jesus Christ. Next week our little Zoe and baby Gabriella will be baptized in the Catholic Church. Enrique and I are celebrating both events, because Jesus is receiving all the glory.   Ultimately it is about him.  It is about looking past the misunderstandings and the fear, and letting God pour out his healing upon us.  Also my prayer is that it is also about you. I pray

our vulnerable journey may help you not let fear and differences keep you from the free and  beautiful grace of Christ.

My prayer is you will be able to come as you are to the feet of Jesus.  

It's the Small Things

              When Jesus asks a question, he isn't looking for an answer.  He is looking for a response.  What's the difference?  The difference is he already knows the answer, and a response is actually for the awareness of the one giving the answer.  It's almost as though Jesus is holding a mirror to our hearts and showing us the vulnerable details.  We read about this when Jesus was arrested in the garden, "Jesus, knowing all that was going to happen to him, went out and asked them, "Who is it you want?". We read about this when Jesus ministered to the Pharisees, throughout the gospels, like in Matthew 9:4, knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, "Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?".  We read again about this in Acts when Jesus confronted Paul with a question that changed his life in Acts 26; 14 "We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, 'Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads." 

            Recently I have been reflecting on another example of Jesus asking one of his beloved children a question. It is when Jesus met Peter on the shore after his resurrection in John 21. I can't help but think of myself like Peter.  It's probably funny to some of my friends and family because in some ways I'm not like Peter at all.  Maybe we all are a little like Peter.  Peter was passionate and excited about what Jesus was doing.  He was super-pumped about being one of the closest members of Jesus's insiders, and he had plans.  He was often the first to talk, the first act, and the first to jump head first.  Peter was gifted naturally and spiritually.  The gospels tell us he recognized Jesus as the Messiah by a God-given revelation.   He was willing to die to see Jesus fit into his plans.  But like many of us, Peter's plans didn't include the full plan of God.  It included some of the details, but it lacked God's heart of sacrificial love. So on the darkest day in history we find Peter unable to endure.  His own heart betrayed him.   Although he had a love for Jesus, his love for God was based on who God was for him, not who he was for God.  I believe in those dark hours of Peter's betrayal, God began to change Peter's heart.  Not only did he realize his dreams were unfulfilled, but he realized he was losing his best friend.  I believe in those hours of grief God began to prioritize Peter's life.  He found himself thinking of Jesus's voice more then Jesus's Roman take over.  Peter found himself missing the friend and the comforter more than the one who would fulfill his noble plans.  

When Jesus met Peter on the shore after his denial, Jesus didn't answer the many questions Peter had wrestled with in those dark hours.  He didn't mention the failed plans or explain to Peter his much greater agenda.  He simply asked Peter a question.  He asked Peter the same question three times, " Peter do you love me?"  I don't think Jesus was looking for an answer. He already knew the answer.  He knew that in his failure Peter was a changed man.  He knew Peter now understood the difference between self and love for God.  Jesus knew that Peter truly loved him now, so this moment became Peter's greatest commission, "Feed my sheep".  Peter was to now live a life of sacrificial love in the footsteps of his savior.  

It's this question and this commission that has been knocking on my heart so sweetly this week.  In the many moments of uncertainty and vulnerability after my last post, I find myself hearing Jesus remind me of the power in simple devotion and pure love for God.  It's not the number of Facebook followers, speaking events, powerful meetings I have been  a part of, or even wonderful compliments that people may give that matter to God. It's the simple act of loving him and sharing his love with others.  It's the small moments and small things that make all the difference in the life of a disciple of Jesus.  Jesus cares about the small things.  The overlooked person in a crowd, the kind word, the simple act of forgiveness no one may ever see, the silent prayer in the midst of heart ache, and the hug for the hurting matter so much to Jesus.  When I kiss my kids goodnight, praise God for the sunset, or get my husband a drink of water, it matters to God.  It matters to God when you admit a wrong, or when you say thank you at night.  Asking Jesus simply to teach you more about him and his heart for the hurting matters to God.  The amazing thing about Peter is that the biggest failure in his life turned into his greatest triumph.  He realized his love for Jesus was stronger that his love for anything else, including himself. 

My Response to my Husband’s Conversion to Catholicism

My Response to my Husband’s Conversion to Catholicism

I had to research the term religious conversion to make sure I had it correct.  Wikipedia quotes the following: “religious conversion' would describe the abandoning of adherence to one denomination and affiliating with another. This might be from one to another denomination within the same religion”.  For those of you who don’t know my husband, Enrique, has decided to become Catholic.  This decision has been a year in the making, and his confirmation was this Easter Saturday. 

I anticipate three reactions from those interested enough to read my blog; disbelief, curiosity, or concern.  You may be feeling a little bit of all three of them.  Still, there may be some who just don’t see the significance in even writing about it.  If you fall in the last category, you probably don’t know Enrique and me very well.  Our whole marriage has been based on serving Jesus together, prayer, and ministry to others.  In fact we have built our marriage around dreams of ministry and love for God.   This last three years have been extremely difficult for me.  Losing my father, and coping with the decisions that needed to be made for my hearing impaired daughter have definitely challenged my faith.  But this last year has been one of the most difficult things I could have imagined.  I never would have dreamed that my partner in Christ would change his thinking in such a dramatic way.   To add to the pain, the timing of his conversion has collided with the timing of my calling to ministry. 

As many of you know, if you have listened much to my teaching, I believed God called me to full time ministry two years ago.  I experienced his confirmation of this calling, and I embraced it with my whole being.   Enrique’s conversion has challenged everything I thought I knew.  It would be a lie and a poor witness to paint a picture to you that I have welcomed this change.  I have cried, grieved, fought, cussed, and a few times even given up hope.  Enrique and I have talked in circles weekend after weekend on why he has decided to do this.  I have questioned him on every detail from praying to Mary, communion, confession, Papal infallibility, to Purgatory.  I have come to realize we believe differently in regards to these issues, and it is a sin to continue to fight over them. These things are not deal breakers though.  They are different, and it would be naïve to say they are not significant differences.  Yet, God desires peace and love in my family more then he desires me to feel in complete agreement with my husband.  Selfishly, I have LOVED having my closest friend and partner seeing spiritual things the same as I do.  But even this precious blessing, does not compare with walking right before God.   

Enrique has studied these topics in depth, and he is much more qualified to answer your questions of “why” then I am.  One book lead to another, along with prayer, discussions with our pastor, discussions with the local Catholic priest, and he has made up his mind this is what God has called him to do.  He knows the Catholic faith better than many who were born Catholic, and he sees so much beauty and depth in it.   This is a sincere and prayed about decision he made.    That is all I can say in response to why he has become Catholic.  But I do have a lot to say in regard to what God has shown me through this process. 

He has shown me that I am not as strong as I thought I was, but he (God) is stronger than I could have ever known.   He has shown me that even though there are days I still feel led to ministry; my joy and peace come from God alone.  Ministry will never fulfill my heart.  I was wrong about that.  The only thing that will ever truly give me peace is the one thing no one can take away from me, and that is Christ. I was made for him first. 

I believe God allows us to go through difficult times.  I’m not saying the difficulties are from him, but I do believe he allows them.  He knows that when we come through the other side and still love him that is a person that he can use.  Look what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 1:5 for the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. 

I have researched and looked up marriages that have one spouse who is Catholic and one who is Protestant.  I have yet to find any examples where the couple continued to minister in different churches and thrive.  In fact, on the internet most couples find themselves merely coping.  Many times the wife follows her husband, and I can see the beauty in this type of submission.  But I honestly cannot bring myself to research the documents Enrique has researched.  I feel something holding me back.  I have however, in the last two weeks drawn very close to the Lord, and continued to read the scriptures daily.  I have been amazed how his grace has sustained me.   I feel a peace about staying in my church with my church family, and I am blessed my husband also will continue to accompany me.   With great thanksgiving, I have rejoiced at hearing God's voice.   He is teaching me a lot at this time, and I’m excited that if I do get the opportunity to minster that I will not be the same person. 

I do not know what Enrique and I’s future holds in regard to ministry, but I do know what it holds in regards to eternity.   I am learning to honor my husband. My husband loves the Lord, loves me, and loves his family.   I believe with my whole heart we will be worshipping the Lord together forever.    We are still reading the scriptures and praying together, and we are still deeply committed to one another.

I ask for your continued prayers as we embark on a whole new journey of differing beliefs in regard to doctrine.  I ask for your sensitivity in regards to asking me questions of why.  Enrique is the one who would be much better at answering those questions. 

Finally for those of you, who have been led closer to the Lord through something Enrique and I may have done, please know those things were and are  real.  God is deeply committed to you, so much that he would send his only son.  He is not a God of confusion, and even in the midst of the unknown, he is present and alive. 

_With Love in Christ, 

Heidi 

Are You the Shepherds?

Am I Joseph?

Am I Joseph?

The Advent story is a very familiar story to some people.  It is sometimes summed up with a front yard nativity scene and a few Christmas carols.  I hope this Advent season to go deeper, with the Holy Spirit's help, and embrace the very real life lessons God wants to teach us.  Have you ever watched a movie more than once?  Maybe you have watched your favorite movie a few times.  Every time you watch a true classic, you will see details you didn't see the first time.  I believe the Advent is a perfect example of this, and we cannot be satisfied to read it just once.  This season let's begin by identifying with the point of view of Joseph in Matthew 1:18-24.  

Imagine his position when he discovers his future wife is pregnant, and the baby is not his.  Many scholars believe Joseph was much older than Mary.  Can you imagine the disappointment he must have felt when the dream he was waiting for seemed to be over? God knew Joseph would pass the test of disappointment.   His love for God caused him to not seek revenge and resort to bitterness when his dreams of a normal marriage seemed to burn.  

An angel visited Zechariah to announce John the Baptist's birth.  An angel visited Mary to announce the birth of the Savior.  Joseph only saw an angel in his dream.  How much more room for doubt is there when it comes to listening to our dreams compared to seeing a real angel? How easy would it have been for Joseph to ignore his visitation?  Joseph must have possessed a supernatural kind of faith. 

 Imagine the Christmas story without Joseph?  Would Mary and her unborn child have survived?  Remember this was a time when women were considered unequal, and adultery would result in stoning.  It was at this time, a man named Joseph stood his ground and obeyed God.  We find later in the Bible Joseph listens to a dream again. This time he rescues Mary and baby Jesus from King Herod's murderous plot.  Joseph does not demand a lot of attention in the Advent story.  In fact, it would be very easy to overlook his role.  Yet in the most vulnerable time on Earth for Jesus, his infancy, God raised up Joseph to protect him.

So I ask you today, are you Joseph?  Has God entrusted something to you that may not have been your first choice, but he knew that you would be faithful?  Is he calling you to walk in obedience to stand as the protector of the vulnerable?    Has he given you a dream that you need to listen to? Today when your own desires may seem thwarted or confused, is there a ministry God has for you?  Is it for such a time as this that you should ask the question, “Am I Joseph?"  

The Birth of Jesus the Messiah- Matthew 18-24

18 This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. 19 Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement[a] quietly.

20 As he considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. 21 And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus,[b] for he will save his people from their sins.”

22 All of this occurred to fulfill the Lord’s message through his prophet:

23 “Look! The virgin will conceive a child!
    She will give birth to a son,
and they will call him Immanuel,[c]
    which means ‘God is with us.’”

24 When Joseph woke up, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded and took Mary as his wife. 25 But he did not have sexual relations with her until her son was born. And Joseph named him Jesus.

In Memory of Her

          There is a woman in the bible whose story seems so simple, but I believe it is one of the most powerful stories ever told.  She has been on my mind all week.  She ministered to Jesus a few days before his death.  She interrupted a meeting and poured her life savings, a costly perfume, upon Jesus.  The fragrance filled the room.   This unnamed woman was mocked for her action.  She was told she was an unwise steward. The religious told her she should have cared more for the poor.
            Who is to say we wouldn't feel the same way today?  Think of the needs of the people at that time.  Imagine a woman wasting somewhere between $25,000 to $100, 000 on one man.  It wasn't even practical.  Why would one man need to be covered in such extravagance?  She was the deciding factor in Judas's betrayal.  When Jesus defended her, Judas made up his mind.
            Yet this woman walked in a different realm.  She walked in the realm of the unseen, prompted by the Holy Spirit.  When so many were waiting for Jesus to minister to their needs, she was ministering to him.  In the days that would follow,  he would be deserted by everyone.  The sins of the world would be on his shoulders. He would be separated from his heavenly father, and he would suffer beyond all human comprehension.  Yet the fragrance of her perfume would linger in his nostrils.  The memory of her love would comfort him in the darkest hour.  No wonder Jesus declared that wherever the gospel is preached her story would be told.
           I believe this unnamed woman was willing to pour all she had on Jesus because he saw her in her brokenness.  She was willing to waste her life because he told her her life was not a waste.  I believe this unnamed woman truly understood the man before her was her savior.  Today are we still lovesick for the man Christ Jesus?  Have we heard him say our name, or are we going through the motions of religious duty.  It is love that gave her the boldness to do what would be remembered throughout eternity.

Mark 14: ⁹ Truly I tell you, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.